joke thread

[96s10]

i found a bunch of jokes online and since this forum has been pretty dead recently with everyone going home, i figured i'd post them. feel free to add your own

[96s10]

A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice in his head, which tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice.

But the next day, the same thing happens: The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

Again the man ignores the voice, but he’s becoming increasingly upset, and the third time he hears the voice, he succumbs to the pressure. He quits his job, sells his house, takes his money, and heads to Las Vegas.

The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Harrah’s."

He hops in a cab and rushes over to the casino, where the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table."

The man does as he is told.

When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17."

Nervously, the man cashes in all his money for chips and then puts them on 17.

"Now watch," says the voice.

The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel.

Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number . . . 21.

The voice says, "Fuck."

[T]

"If there is no grass on the lawn, turn her over and play in the mud"

[96s10]

A doctor is examining a young woman, and notices a large, circular imprint on her chest. Curious, he asks her about it.

She blushes, "Oh, that. Well, my boyfriend went to Ohio State, and he's kind of nostalgic, so he wears his letterman's sweater when we make love. And the big "O" presses against me..."

A few weeks later, the same doctor is examining another woman who has a large "T" imprint on her chest.

He asks her, and she says, "Yes, my husband graduated from Tennessee, and likes to wear his sweater when we make love."

Then a few weeks later, the good doctor is examining another woman who has what looks like a large "M" on her chest.

He asks, "Let me guess, your boyfriend went to Michigan, right?"

She says, "Noooooo. But my girlfriend went to Wisconsin."

[96s10]

Jennifer loved playing outdoors, but wished she had more kids to play with.

Then one day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot next to Jennifer's house.

Jenny naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. Jennifer didn't miss a day on the job.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the second week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.

Jennifer took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked Jennifer how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. Jenny proudly replied,"I've been working next door everyday with a construction crew. We're building a house".

"My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too"?

Without missing a beat, Jennifer replied "I will if those useless ass-holes at the lumber yard ever bring us the fucking wood".

[96s10]

"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late." - Jack Handy

[96s10]

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all
that the accident of evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!"
he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in
the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly
charge toward him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder
And saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared
that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder
again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically
and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell to the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear, right on top of
him: reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to
strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:
"You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't
exist; and, even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect
me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light: "It would be hypocritical
of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps
you could make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," the voice said.

The light went out.
The river ran again.
And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped its right paw, brought both paws
together, bowed its head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am
about to receive, I am truly thankful."

[96s10]

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground and his eyes roll back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, “Help! Help! My friend Bubba is dead! What’ll I do?” The operator, in a calm voice, says, “Take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s really dead.”

After a brief silence, a shot rings out, then the guy’s voice comes back on the line. “OK, now what?”

[96s10]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads hamburger: $1; cheeseburger: $2; hand job: $10. He beckons to an attractive blonde behind the counter.

“Can I help you?” she asks with a knowing smile.

“I was wondering,” whispers the man. “Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?”

“Yes,” she purrs. “I am.”

“Well, wash your hands,” he says. “I want a cheeseburger.”

[96s10]

A man is walking down the street and sees a little boy riding a toy fire engine that’s being pulled by a Dalmatian. Unfortunately, the rope is tied around the dog’s balls, and as a consequence, the toy truck is going very slowly.

The man says to the boy, "You know, son, that truck would go a lot faster if the rope was tied around your dog’s neck."

"I guess so," says the kid, "but then I wouldn’t have a siren."

[96s10]

A man and his wife are in the shower together when the doorbell rings. The wife puts on a robe and goes down to answer the door.

In walks her husband’s friend Ben. The woman tells him her husband’s in the shower and asks if he can come back later. Instead, Ben steps in and quietly says, "I have $400 in my pocket. I’ll give it to you if you’ll open your bathrobe for me." She’s offended, but really needs the money so she agrees, opens her robe, and lets Ben have a quick peek before doing it up again. Ben gives her the $400, and she opens the door for him to leave, but he says, "I have another $400 in my other pocket. I’ll give it to you if you let me touch your breasts." Now she’s really mortified, but again, she needs the money, so she undoes her robe and lets him have a quick feel. Taking the other $400 from him, she lets him out the door.

Going back upstairs, she gets back in the shower with her husband, feeling a little bit guilty.

"Who was that?" the husband asks.

"Oh, that was just Ben," the wife answers.

"Ben?" the husband says. "That son of a bitch owes me 800 bucks!"

[96s10]

A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he’s perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed.
“Son, there’s been a bit of a mix-up,” admits the surgeon. “I’m afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis.”

“What!” gasps the patient. “You mean I’ll never experience another erection?”

“Oh, you might,” the surgeon reassures him. “Just not yours.”

[96s10]

A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband cautioned, “Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows, it’ll cost us a fortune to repair.”

Of course, she immediately shanked her drive right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, “I warned you to watch out! Now we’ll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost us.”

They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, “Come on in.” When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the people that broke the window?”

Uh…yeah, we’re very sorry about that,” the husband replied.

“Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself.”

“Wow, that’s great!” the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, “I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”

“No problem,” said the genie, “You’ve got it. I have already put a million dollars in your bank account. It’s the least I can do.”

“And now you, young lady, what do you want?” the genie asked.

“I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,” she said.

“Consider it done. The deeds are now in your name,” the genie said.

“And now,” the couple both asked in unison, “what’s your wish, genie?”


Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.”

The husband looked at his wife and said, “Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?”

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, “You know, you’re right. Considering all that, I guess I wouldn’t mind.”

The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards, the genie rolled over and looked at the wife and asked, “How old are you and your husband?”

“Why, we’re both thirty-five,” she responded breathlessly.

“No shit! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?”

[96s10]

A doctor enters his examination room to find a beautiful woman waiting in a paper gown. He starts the examination by rubbing her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing?” he asks.

“Yes, checking for cancer,” she says.

“That’s right,” he says, marveling at her amazing body.

He leans her back on the examination table and starts giving her a gynecological exam. Crazed with desire, and noticing her eyes are closed, he stands up and unzips his pants. The woman doesn’t flinch.

He decides to go for it and puts Tab A in Slot B.

“Do you know what I am doing now?” he asks.

“Yeah, getting gonorrhea. That’s why I’m here.”

[96s10]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the corner ddrugstore. Just give it a urine sample, and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample, in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening, while thinking how amazing, this new technology was, Jack began wondering, if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

[96s10]

There's this piano player at a really nice resturaunt. He walks out in a nice tuxedo with tails, sits down and plays the most beautiful piece of classical music anyone in the restaurant has ever heard. For a brief few moments, everyone in the restaurant stops talking to hear the beautiful music.

When he's done, the crowd applauds loudly and he says over the microphone, "Thank you.. Thank you.. That was an original of mine entitled: 'I Fuck Your Mother Nightly With My Massive Horsedick While Your Whore of a Sister Watches'".

The crowd looks around confused and appalled at what they just heard. The manager of the restaurant stares around in disbelief.

The pianist then begins a second piece. This time it's a jazz number - along the lines of Art Tatum. And, again, it's amazing. The crowd is, again, amazed by the virtuostic pianist. When he is finished he, again, approaches the mic and says: "That was another original of mine entitled: 'Serving Shit Sandwiches to Your Ugly Grandmother's Cunt in the Back of my Pinto."

Once again there is a mumur amongst the crowd and they are simply appauled.

The pianist then takes a break and is approached by the manager of the restaurant who tells him, "Listen man.. You're amazing out there but.. well.. lay off talking to the crowd, eh? No more using the microphone.". The pianist agrees and wonders off into the men's room.

He comes out and is walking past a few tables as he approaches the piano. "Excuse me..", a woman asks him noting his zipper is open, "But do you know your dick is hanging out of your pants?".

"Do I know it?", the pianist replies, "I wrote it!"

[96s10]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man;
that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely! This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement,
opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands the it back to the
woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and
hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

[96s10]

Golf Strategy
Four married guys go golfing. During the fourth hole, the following conversation took place:

First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.

So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth Guy: "Well, I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'Golfcourse or Intercourse?' and she said, 'Wear your sweater.'"

[96s10]

decided to really relax and go fishing.
He takes the old beat up car and tosses his fishing gear in the car and takes off wearing his worst clothes. He has a great day and catches a whopper of a fish and tosses it in the floorboard of the car because he didn't bring a cooler.
Well, he races home hoping to get there before the fish spoils.
When he crosses the last bridge before he gets to his house he sees a cop car parked on the other side. The cop is holding a radar gun.
Knowing he is caught, and comes to a stop a few feet down the road.
The cop comes to the window and writes the man a ticket. He can tell the man is in a hurry so he takes his time. When he leans in to hand him the ticket he notices a terrible odor coming from inside the car.
He says to the man, "I have seen your type before. Look at you. You should be at work at a time like this. Why don't you get a job and buy yourself some new clothes and take a bath for goodness sakes".
The man says, "I already have a job officer".
"Really? What does someone like you do?"
"I'm an asshole stretcher"
"An asshole stretcher?" Says the cop, "No wonder you stink so bad. How do you do it?"
"Well" Says the man, "I start slow with one finger. Then two and so on. Finally I get so I can get my hand in and then both hands. I then pull and stretch until the asshole is as big as six feet sometimes."
The cop, looking confused, scratches his head and says, "What in the world would someone do with a six foot asshole?"

The man smiles and says. "Put him on the end of a bridge with a radar gun."

[96s10]

A horse and a chicken were walking around the farm together, when the horse fell into a deep muddy pond. The bank was too slippery for the horse to climb out, so the chicken ran & got the farmer's Mercedes, drove over to the pond, tied a rope to the car, threw the other end to the horse, and pulled him to safety.

A few days later, they were walking together, when the chicken fell into a mud puddle and couldn't climb out. The quick-thinking horse stood over the puddle, let the chicken grab a hold of his cock, and pulled her to safety.

Moral: If you have a horse cock, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

[96s10]

The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired immediately his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, a Marine general, asked them to measure from the tip of his up-stretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Army General, was asked where to
measure, he told the pension man: "From the tip of my penis to my testicles."

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Army general might like to
reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had
received.

The Army general insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back.

"My God!" he said, "Where are your testicles?"

"In Vietnam" the general replied.

[96s10]

A penguin is driving through Arizona on a hot summer's day when he notices his oil
light is on. He gets out of the car and, sure enough, it's leaking oil all over the road.

The penguin drives around the corner to a service station and asks the mechanic to
take a look at it. The mechanic says he has a few others to look at first but if he comes
back in an hour he can tell the penguin what is wrong with his car.

The penguin agrees and goes for a walk. He finds an ice cream shop and thinks a big bowl of
vanilla ice cream will really hit the spot since he's a penguin and its Arizona in the
summer, after all.

He sits down at the counter and starts in on his ice cream. Of
course he has no hands so it is rather messy. By the time he is done he has ice cream
all over his flippers and his mouth - a total mess.

He walks back to the service station and says to the mechanic,
"Did you find out what is wrong with my car?"

The mechanic replies, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

"Oh, no, no," says the penguin, blushing.
"That's just ice cream."

[96s10]

A farmer is sitting in the neighbourhood bar getting soused. A
man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here
on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her.
Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked
over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her.
Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked
over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the
right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as
got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket
with her tail.
Man: Hmmm...
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and
tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down
and my wife walked in.....

[96s10]

and with this one...i leave it for now. hope you enjoy them.


A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart
of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon. As she was
unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk standing
behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier. He
said, "You must be single." The woman, a bit startled, looked at her the
four items on the belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her
selections said, "Well, y'know, that's right. But how in earth did you know
that? The drunk said, "Cause you're uglier 'n shit."

[Bryan02TA]

I read every single one of 'em, pretty damn funny

[96s10]

the last one is one of my favorites

[Bryan02TA]

yeah that one is good, i laughed out loud with the pianist joke though

[slmdLS1]

i smell a whore in here.

[96s10]

its your upper lip

[slmdLS1]

hah! i remember that one.
























from elementary school. :roll: :finger:

[93zm6tally]

Pretty fuckin good. Thanks for the laughs man.

[96s10]

Pretty fuckin good. Thanks for the laughs man.

i smell a whore in here.

see, my whoring was worth it

[17TH SVT]

that car accident one with the wine is ingenious!

[96s10]

bringing up another old thread. but its worth it for the laughs.

i know this joke is one of the oldest ones out there but i still crack up every time i read it.

Copyright W. Bruce Cameron

Some of you won't feel the pain, but have seen others like Judge # 3!

**Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you
who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a
chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major
portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. Notes from an inexperienced
Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The
original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser
truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me
I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 - Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver.They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all
of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sarah, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. girl is
starting to look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sarah saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I messed on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sarah. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore.
I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge
# 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
in my stomach.

Chili #8
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell
over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going
to make it. Poor yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

[onthegasinFL]

Whats the best part about fucking twenty nine year olds?



....



...








there's twenty of them.

[Kinson Cook, Jr]

bringing up another old thread. but its worth it for the laughs.

i know this joke is one of the oldest ones out there but i still crack up every time i read it.

Copyright W. Bruce Cameron

Some of you won't feel the pain, but have seen others like Judge # 3!

**Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you
who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a
chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major
portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. Notes from an inexperienced
Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The
original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser
truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me
I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 - Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver.They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all
of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sarah, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. girl is
starting to look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sarah saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I messed on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sarah. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore.
I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge
# 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
in my stomach.

Chili #8
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell
over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going
to make it. Poor yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.


ROTFLMFAO :funny:

[NotoriousGreaseMonkey]

Whats the best part about fucking twenty nine year olds?



....



...








there's twenty of them.
That is just wrong... so wrong